


Fifty-Fifty Husbands

by cinnabongene



Category: Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad & Related Fandoms
Genre: Comedy, Eventual Smut, M/M, Marriage, Marriage of Convenience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-12 20:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7121857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnabongene/pseuds/cinnabongene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Walt is old; Jesse is new. Walt's time is borrowed; Jesse's eyes are blue. </p><p>Sort of a crack fic. Saul tries to convince Walt and Jesse to get married in order to have spousal privilege in court. Jesse is a hard man to persuade.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Something Blue

Jesse jumped back as Walter unexpectedly slammed a stack of papers onto the table in front of him. “Shit, Mr. White. What’s this?” he asked, once he’d recovered. 

“A proposal,” Walter replied. 

Jesse knit his eyebrows together as he picked up the papers. “Marriage license application?”

“You heard the news, didn’t you?” Walt asked, his temper growing short to hide his embarrassment. Why couldn’t Pinkman just connect the dots already? 

“Yo, what news?” 

“Same-sex marriage. It’s legal in New Mexico now,” Walt replied. 

From the look on Jesse’s face, he was preparing some angry and confused retort when Saul Goodman walked through the door. “Well, it’s not so much that it’s legal now; it just never was illegal, technically,” the lawyer pitched in. 

“Someone mind telling me what the hell is going on?” Jesse asked, still gripping the application.

“Sit down, and don’t get your panties in a bunch,” said Saul, taking his seat behind his desk. Jesse and Walter sat in the chairs across from him. 

“I’m your lawyer. You both pay me to keep you out of trouble, and right now if either of you were to be arrested, you’d both be in a whole lot of trouble. Now me, being the proactive thinker that I am, went ahead and tried to find a solution to this little disaster waiting to happen, and this is what I’ve got: spousal privilege.”

“English, please,” said Jesse. 

“Spouses can’t be compelled to testify against each other in a court of law,” Saul replied, staring Pinkman in the eyes, where he watched the young man’s confusion turn to disgust, then indignation. 

“Whoa, whoa. You want Mr. White and I to get married?” he asked Saul, then turned to Walter. “And you’re okay with this?” 

Walter shrugged. “Saul talked it through with me last night. It seemed… logical.” 

“You know what? I take it back. You’re not the world’s second biggest homo; you’re its biggest homo,” said Jesse, standing to leave. 

Walt shot up and stood between him and the door. “Wait, Jesse. Please, just consider the facts for a moment. If one of us gets caught right now, there’s no way we’ll be able to defend each other in court. It’d be all over for us.”

“So we just don’t get caught.” 

“The DEA’s pretty far up your ass. I’m not sure I can advise you to stay on this path much longer,” Saul cut in. 

“We won’t have to do anything differently. We won’t have a ceremony, we won’t tell anyone, we won’t change our names, we won’t live together. Nothing will change except we’ll have the extra legal protection. How is this not a good thing?” Walt continued. 

Jesse ran his hands across his face and through his hair. “I dunno, man. I just need time to think.” 

“I’ll perform the marriage right here in my office. Two of my assistants will be the witnesses. It’ll take five minutes. I do it all the time,” said Saul.

“Yo, don’t you have to be like a priest or something?” asked Jesse. 

Saul shook his head and pointed to a certificate hanging on the wall to the side of him. “I am legally ordained.” 

“And you promise me, this is not going to come back to bite me in the ass at all? No one’s going to ever know?”

“You can file your divorce papers with me when this whole mess is over. Like it never even happened,” Saul assured. 

Jesse let out a deep sigh of resignation. “Fine, I’ll do your fucking homo marriage. What do I have to do?”

Walter took the application back from Jesse and took a pen from Saul’s desk. “Just initial here, and sign and date here.”

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Jesse muttered to himself as he scribbled his name onto the paperwork. 

Walter did the same and handed the papers back to Saul. “Excellent,” said the lawyer, giving it a quick onceover. “I’ll file that for you later today. It should take a little while to process, but if we schedule the wedding for next Tuesday, we should be good to go. In the meantime, Jesse, why don’t you go pick yourself out a nice dress.” Saul chuckled to himself. 

Walter had to hold Jesse back so he wouldn’t lunge for Saul. “You go pick out a dress, bitch!” 

* * *

Next Tuesday, Jesse showed up to Saul’s office, as planned. That morning he’d realized he’d never asked if he was supposed to dress up or not. It wasn’t like he was going to go out and buy new clothes now, and it wasn’t like this was a real wedding anyways, so he picked out one of the few collared shirts he owned, paired it with one of his better fitting pairs of dark blue jeans, and called that good enough. Hell, Mr. White would probably just be happy he wasn’t wearing a sweatshirt. 

As he walked into Saul’s building, he realized his heart was pounding a little bit. Was he nervous about marrying Mr. White? No, not like that, he decided. If anything, he was just nervous because he knew this was probably a stupid idea. 

When he entered Saul’s office, Walt was already waiting there for him. The chemist was dressed as he usually was—collared shirt, and those old-man khakis—but he looked nice too. Saul and the two witnesses were there also, and Jesse couldn’t help but feel like they were judging him. 

“Good, you showed up. I was starting to think we had a runaway bride on our hands.” Saul chuckled again. 

Jesse felt a retort boiling up in his throat, but he held it back. He didn’t want to lose his temper on this, the day of his own wedding. “Let’s just get this over with,” he grumbled. He couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact with Walt. 

Saul came around from behind his desk to stand in front of Walter and Jesse. “Alright, let’s do this. Walter Hartwell White, do you take Jesse Bruce Pinkman to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward?” 

Walter nodded. “I do.”

Saul turned to Jesse. “And Jesse Bruce Pinkman, do you take Walter Hartwell White to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward?” 

“Yo, why you gotta make this sound so gay?” Jesse asked. 

“Look, I don’t write the rules, kid. Do you, or do you not?” 

Jesse sighed. “I do.” 

Saul clapped his hands together, shaking Jesse from the odd sense of dread that was pooling in his stomach. “Great. I now pronounce you husband and… husband. You may kiss the groom.” 

“No. No kissing, absolutely not,” said Jesse. 

“I thought maybe we could just skip that part, right, Saul?” asked Walt. 

“Look, Walter, I don’t make the rules. My witnesses and I can’t sign this marriage certificate until we see some lip-on-lip action in here,” said Saul. 

“No way!” cried Jesse. “Call it off. I’m not doing it.” 

“Saul, come on. You’re laundering drug money for us. You can’t just pretend you saw us kiss?” asked Walt. 

Saul tapped on his watch. “Does paid by the hour mean nothing to you people?” 

Walt turned to Jesse, the expression on his face showing he wasn’t any more happy about this than Jesse was. “Come on, son. Let’s just get this over with.”

Jesse took a step backwards. “No way, bitch.” 

“You already agreed to marry me. I don’t see how this is any different,” said Walter, starting to get frustrated. 

“I just… don’t want things to be weird, you know?” 

“It’s only weird if you make it weird. The kiss is a social construct. It’s no different than any other touch. The only difference lies in the context. And in this context, it’s no different than a handshake. It seals a business transaction,” said Walter. 

Shaking his head, Jesse stormed towards Mr. White until their faces were only inches apart. “Jesus Christ, if I kiss you will you shut the hell up?”

“Yes—”

Walter barely had time to finish saying the word before Jesse took the plunge. He figured it was like jumping off a diving board or shooting someone in the head. You had to act first and think later. 

The kiss was over before either man could really process it, but when Jesse pulled away, he had the vague feeling that Mr. White’s lips had felt soft and smelled of mint. 

“That’s what I’m talking about!” Saul scribbled his name down on the certificate and handed it off to the witnesses, who just seemed more relieved that they’d be able to leave than anything. 

Next, Walt and Jesse signed their names. Walt couldn’t believe he was signing a marriage certificate so soon after he’d signed his divorce papers, and Jesse couldn’t believe he’d always have to live with the fact that his first marriage was to some creepy old dude. 

“Alright, are we done here?” asked Jesse when he put down the pen. 

“Yep, all done. You now officially have spousal privilege, so go get arrested as much as you want… But seriously, please don’t,” said Saul. 

“Good. I’m starving,” muttered Jesse as he made for the exit. 

“Mind if I join you?” asked Walt. 

“Ooh, me too,” said Saul. “This whole wedding thing got me thinking, I could really go for some cake right now.”


	2. Chemistry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saul convinces Jesse and Walt to consummate their marriage. I'm sure there is probably no legal reason why they'd actually have to do this, but shh that's why this is crack.

“Hey! There’s my favorite husbands! How was the honeymoon?” asked Saul as Walt and Jesse entered his office. 

“Saul, please. Enough,” said Walt, taking a seat. 

“Alright, alright. But really, how’s everything going?”

“It’s fine,” said Walter. “Now why, exactly, did you call us in?”

“Well, I was doing some research, and I may have found one tiny little hiccup in this whole marriage deal,” Saul admitted. 

Walter leaned forward in his seat. “What kind of hiccup?” 

“Nothing too bad. I bet you’ll find this hilarious actually. Remember when I said gay marriage wasn’t actually legal, just not technically illegal? Well, the county is going to accept it; I made sure of that. But there could be a problem down the road. The validity of your marriage could easily be challenged in court if it remains unconsummated.” 

“What the fuck does that mean?” Jesse spoke up. “We kissed, didn’t we?” 

Walt pinched the bridge of his nose, exasperated. “That’s not what consummation means, Jesse.” 

“What’s it mean then? Wait… you’re not saying we gotta…?” The horrified look in Jesse’s eyes finished the sentence for him. 

Saul shrugged. “Afraid so. Now, I can’t force you to have sex, but as your lawyer, I strongly advise it.”

“No way, yo. With him? That’s fuckin’ disgusting!” Jesse cried. Then off of Walter’s glare, “No offense, yo.” 

The lawyer put his hands up defensively. “Hey, hey. Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just giving you my legal advice. You think I’m getting something out of this? You think I get my kicks thinking about you screwing? No offense, but you two don’t exactly create a pretty picture. I’m just saying, if your marriage gets challenged and you lose your spousal privilege, I warned you.”

“Saul, there has to be something else we can do,” said Walter. 

“Look, believe it or not, this isn’t the first time I’ve helped someone out with a situation like this,” said Saul. “You just gotta make it like a business deal. Or like, I dunno, method acting. Work out all the specifics beforehand, pick a time and place, and just go for it. Then you’re done. You’ve got the chemistry, the carnal knowledge, and the bullet-proof marriage that comes with it. It’d just be like any other day in the lab, expect instead of making meth, you’ll be making the beast with two backs.” 

Walter looked towards the younger man to gauge his reaction, which seemed to be resigned disgust. “Jesse?” he asked. 

“Whatever, man. I already let you convince me to marry you. It’s not like I’ve got any self-respect left lose. Just one condition. I top.” 

Walter coughed in surprise. Saul choked on his Nescafe. 

“What? You’ve never seen a guy not want to get fucked in the ass before? Why is everyone acting like I’m supposed to be the fucking girl in this relationship?” Jesse shouted. 

“…’cause you’re short?” Saul offered, trying to defuse the situation. 

“Neither of us is ‘the girl’, Jesse. I just envisioned that I would be the one to top…” Walter admitted. 

“Of course you did. But in case you haven’t forgotten, you’re not the boss of me. We’re fifty-fifty partners!”

“Jesus, one week and you already fight like an old married couple. Calm down, I think I’ve got a solution,” said Saul, fishing for something in his pocket and pulling out a quarter. “Coin flip. Jesse, your call. Heads or tails?”

“Heads!” said Jesse as Saul tossed the coin into the air. 

The three men watched in rapt anticipation as the coin fell upon Saul’s desk. “Ooh, sorry, kid,” said Saul. “Looks like you’re gonna be the one getting pounded tonight.” 

“Oh, come on!” cried Jesse. “I want a redo. Best two out of three.”

Walt just smirked. “Sorry. Coin flip is sacred, bitch.”


	3. Wine-and-Dining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walter and Jesse give in to Saul's advice... again. (Mostly smut.)   
> (Slight warning for Jesse having second thoughts in bed. But don't worry, everything is consensual!)

Jesse’s heart was pounding in his chest as he knocked on Mr. White’s door. The dude took a few seconds to answer, and Jesse considered just running away, hopping back in his shitty car, and never having to face his former teacher again. But shit, the door was opening, and Mr. White was standing there, looking all impassable. Too late to run now. 

“Jesse, come in.” Walter stepped aside and allowed Jesse to walk into his condo. 

“Nice place,” Jesse murmured. “Classy. What smells good?”

“I made dinner,” Walt replied and gestured to the kitchen table. “Tacos.” 

Jesse didn’t know how to reply. Mr. White looked so genuine, like he was actually enjoying making dinner for Jesse. Poor guy must be lonely without his family to take care of. “Wow,” said Jesse, pulling out a seat. “Thanks, Mr. White.”

“No problem,” said Walter, going into the kitchen and emerging with a platter of tacos. 

And when Jesse bit into one, he had to admit, meth wasn’t the only thing Mr. White could cook. “Yo, these are bomb,” he said through a mouthful of taco. 

“Beer?” Walt asked, moving to get up. 

“Yeah, sure,” said Jesse. He leaned back in his seat a bit, all of his anxieties starting to float away. This wasn’t like the stuffy dinners at his parents’ house. Hell, he actually felt like Mr. White wanted him to be here. Then, as he took a sip of his beer, it all came crashing back to him. Mr. White was his husband. And they were going to have sex. He choked on his drink. 

“You alright?” asked Walter. 

Jesse wiped off his mouth and put the beer down. “Yeah, yeah, fine. It’s just, shit, Mr. White, you’re like, wine-and-dining me.”

“That wasn’t my intention, Jesse. I just thought, if we’re going to do this, we should at least share a meal first, get comfortable,” said Walter. 

“I don’t think we should be drunk, yo. I think we need to like, know what we’re doing,” said Jesse. 

Walt raised his eyebrows. He never thought he’d hear Jesse Pinkman turning down a chance to get intoxicated. “Alright, then.” He moved his own, unopened, beer to the side and took another bite of his dinner, but Jesse wasn’t touching his anymore. The poor boy was just staring at his shoes. “Are you going to eat, son?” 

“I dunno, man. I kinda just want to get this over with, you know?” 

Walter put down his taco. “Jesse, look at me.” 

The boy looked up, and Walter could see the apprehension in his eyes. 

“We’re not going to do this if you don’t want to. You can just go home, I’ll tell Saul that we did it, and we never have to speak of this night again, okay?” 

At that, Jesse felt a confusing pang of disappointment. What was that? It’s not like he actually wanted to fuck Mr. White, did he? But something about the thought of leaving now seemed wrong. He couldn’t leave things so… uncompleted here. 

“Why don’t we just like, I dunno, see what happens?” Jesse asked, his cheeks burning. 

And that was how Jesse Pinkman ended up in Mr. White’s bed. They were both still fully clothed, just lying there. “So like, how do we start this?” Jesse asked. 

“Don’t tell me you’ve never had sex before,” said Walter. 

“No! Of course I’ve had sex! Just… not with a dude…” said Jesse.

“So you’ve never done anything with another man?” Walter asked. 

Jesse’s cheeks flushed pink. “Jesus, I’m not some fucking homo, I told you. I got drunk and messed around with Badger a little bit in high school once. But that’s it.” 

Walter smirked to himself. He knew Jesse’s insistence against all things gay had to be overcompensating for something. “Alright, well, a good first step to any sexual encounter is getting your clothes off.” 

“Have you?” Jesse asked. “You know, with another dude?” 

Walter took off his shirt. “Yes.” 

Jesse shook his head and grinned. “I fuckin’ knew it. You are a homo. You know I once drew a picture of you with a beaker up your ass?” 

Walt raised his eyebrows. “So you draw a picture of another man anally pleasuring himself, and I’m the gay one? Right.” 

“Shut up, man,” Jesse muttered, and removed his own shirt. 

Walter was working on removing his belt now, and Jesse was starting to feel nervous again. It’s not like he didn’t see the man in his underwear nearly every day, but this time was different. This time the underwear were going to come off, and Mr. White was going to be inside of him. Damn coin flip. 

Now Mr. White was in nothing but his fuckin’ tighty whities and Jesse was lying there on his bed with his shirt off. Walter looked down towards Jesse’s belt. “Are you going to…?” 

Jesse stood up and fumbled the belt off. His pants practically took themselves off once the belt was gone. He stepped out of the oversized denim on the floor and took in the scene. There he was, in his grey boxers with little skulls on them, and there was Mr. White, cock bulging in his briefs. 

They laid down on the bed again. 

“So,” said Walter. “The most important part of this is going to be getting you prepared. Especially since it’s your first time, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

“I’m down with not getting hurt,” said Jesse. 

“We can start whenever you’re ready, son,” said Walt. He wondered if maybe he should stop calling Jesse ‘son’ now that they were married and about to have sex, but Jesse never seemed to object, so he figured there was no real harm in it. 

Jesse nodded and bit his lip as he slowly pulled down his boxers, revealing his half-hard cock. 

Walt leaned over and reached into the drawer of his bedside table, pulling out a bottle of lube. He then moved to sit between the younger man’s spread legs. He flipped the cap on the lube, squeezed a sizable drop onto one of his fingers, and looked up to Jesse for permission. Jesse nodded his consent, and Walter pressed his lubed finger up to the younger man’s entrance. 

“Wait! Stop, Mr. White. I don’t want to do this anymore!” 

Walter immediately drew his finger away. “It’s alright, son. We’ll stop.” He grabbed a tissue to wipe his finger off, and then handed Jesse his boxers back from where they had landed on the floor. 

Jesse didn’t put the boxers on, and just buried his face in his hands. “Look, I’m sorry, yo.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, Jesse.” 

“It’s not that I don’t want to do _anything_ ,” Jesse tried to explain. “Just not _that_. Like, if the coin toss had gone the other way…” 

Walt sat down on the bed next to him. “You want to top?”

Jesse blushed and looked down. “Yeah. Is that like… okay?” 

Walter nodded. “I think we can manage that.” He laid back against the pillows and relaxed. “Lube’s on the table. Take your time. I’m all yours.” 

Jesse was amazed. He almost felt like he needed to pinch himself. Mr. White was just going to let him fuck him in the ass? Just like that? He took a moment to collect himself before grabbing the lube and squirting some out onto his fingers. 

“Not too much now. Remember, go slow at first.”

“I got it, yo. Chill,” said Jesse. With that, he pressed his lubed finger up to Mr. White’s entrance and slipped inside. It wasn’t as gross as he thought it would be. The lube felt like a protective coating, and there was something exciting about having this sort of power over Mr. White. 

“Go in a little further,” Walt coaxed. “A little bit…” His moan caught Jesse off guard. “Right there.” 

“Is that like, your prostate or something?” Jesse asked. 

Walter nodded. “Do two now.” 

Jesse obliged and stretched Walt further. Two fingers, then three. “How you holding up, old man?” he asked. 

“Good. I think I’m ready for you now, Jesse,” Walt replied, breathlessly, but somehow still composed. 

Jesse’s heart began to pound. He withdrew his fingers and looked down at his own cock, still not fully hard. He couldn’t believe he was really about to do this. He grabbed the lube again and this time squirted a good handful onto his cock, stroking it to its full hardness. “You sure you’re ready, yo?” 

“Do it, Jesse,” Walt commanded. And Jesse lined his cock up and thrust inside.

Immediately he was surrounded by hot, tight warmth. He moaned and let himself partially collapse over the other man’s prostrate form. “Oh, fuck, Mr. White…” 

Walt could tell the boy was holding back, trying to give his ass a chance to adjust. Even in the heat of the moment, Jesse was too loyal. “It’s okay, Jesse. Go on, fuck me.” 

Every modicum of self-control Jesse possessed slipped away from him at that. He thrust his cock frantically, in and out, just trying to get as much of this sweet friction as he could. Jesse could feel himself coming completely undone, but he didn’t care. Mr. White was like a rock. Strong, controlled, composed, and holding onto Jesse as they fucked, like his arms were the only thing keeping the boy from floating away. 

“That’s good, Jesse. That’s it,” said Walt as he stroked Jesse’s hair. 

“Shit, Mr. White. I think I’m gonna--”

“It’s okay, Jesse. You can come inside me.” 

That was all Jesse needed to lose it. He gave one final thrust and a loud, desperate moan as his orgasm shuddered through him, and then collapsed onto Walter’s chest as he caught his breath. After a minute, his softening cock slipped out of Mr. White, and he noticed that the other man’s cock was still painfully hard underneath of him. He sat up. 

“Sorry, yo… You want me to like, suck it or something?” 

“Do you want to?” Walt asked. 

“…Not really…”

“Don’t worry about it,” the older man replied, taking himself in his hand. And within a few strokes, it was all over. Jesse was shocked that he had gotten Mr. White so close without even touching his cock. 

After Walt wiped his hand off, the two men laid back down together, and Jesse sorta cuddled up into Mr. White’s side. “So… that happened,” said Jesse. 

“It did. I guess no one can refute our marriage now.” 

“Can we not tell Saul that we switched roles?” Jesse asked.

“Why? You like him thinking you got fucked in the ass?” 

“No, I just don’t want him to think that like, I was into it or anything. ‘Cause like switching implies that I cared.” 

Walt turned to face the younger man, that unreadable expression on his face again. “So were you? ‘Into it?’” 

“Shut up,” said Jesse, averting his gaze. When Walt was silent, he turned back and found the older man just staring at him. They locked eyes for a moment before Walt leaned in and kissed him. 

This time was much different than in Saul’s office. It was long and deep and tinged with the smell of sex. Walt’s tongue pushed its way into Jesse’s mouth, and Jesse obliged, feeling himself growing lightheaded and starting to get hard all over again. After a minute—which seemed more like a millennia—Jesse pulled away and wiped at his mouth. “Fuckin’ homo,” he murmured softly, with no malice this time. 

“Don’t worry,” Walt grinned. “I won’t tell Saul. Spousal privilege and all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never seen a fic where Jesse tops before, so I just had to write that in. Hope you enjoyed my first BrBa fic!


End file.
